Wasting
by MorganBella13
Summary: She let out a shaky breath and got on her knees in front of the porcelain bowl. Was this wrong? She didn't care anymore.
1. The Price To Pay

She stared at her body. _Disgusting._ _Ugly_. _Fat._ These words whispered in her head every time she saw her reflection. She let out a shaky breath and got on her knees in front of the porcelain bowl. Was this wrong? She didn't care anymore.

She took two fingers and put them in her mouth, sticking them as far back as she could, applying pressure, until her entire lunch came up. She felt hot tears sliding down her face as she stood up and looked in the mirror. She was a wreck.

She turned on the faucet and scrubbed her hands until they were red raw and brushed her teeth. Her phone vibrated on the counter. She picked it up and flipped it open, reading the text on the screen.

_From: Eli_

_You want to hang out?_

Clare smiled and typed back a response, her fingers still trembling slightly.

_From: Clare_

_Sure. Pick me up in 10?_

_From: Eli_

_I'll be there, Blue Eyes._

She took another look at her reflection and grabbed her makeup, attempting to make herself look normal. Inside, however, she was a mess. Her phone vibrated again.

_From: Eli_

_Your Prince Charming has arrived. Come on down._

Clare giggled and rolled her eyes. She grabbed her bag and ran down the stairs, meeting Eli by his hearse.

"Hey Clare Bear." Eli said, smirking at her and opening the passenger door. She cringed slightly at the old nickname. She got in the car and watched Eli walk around to the other side and slide behind the wheel.

He was beautiful. A dark angel. But she knew he didn't feel that way about her. Why would he? She was nothing.

They pulled into the Dot and Clare felt her stomach rumble with hunger. She paid no attention. Pain was the price to pay for perfection. They got out of the car and walked into the Dot.

"Baby Edwards!" Peter smiled as he walked up to them. He opened his arms out and she gave him a hug.

"Hey, Peter. This is my friend Eli." She said. Peter's smile remained as he nodded in Eli's direction.

Eli and Clare sat down at one of the tables and Peter grabbed a pen and a notepad to take their orders. After Eli had ordered, Peter turned toward Clare. Her hands shook as she put down the menu.

"I'm not really hungry." She mumbled. Eli shot her a curious glance. Peter only nodded and walked away.

"You sure you don't want anything to eat?" Eli asked. She nodded, avoiding his emerald eyes. Eli's food came out and Eli looked at her suspiciously.

"At least take a bite of my sandwich." Eli said, holding out half of his sandwich. Clare eyed the food warily, terrified of the amount of calories in it. But she didn't want anyone coming in the way of this world she had set up for herself.

She grabbed the sandwich and cautiously and took a bite. She handed the sandwich back to Eli and chewed slowly, almost crying as she swallowed the large bite. She didn't want this. She didn't want to shatter her control.

"Are you positive you don't want anything? You didn't really eat much for lunch…" Eli said and Clare nodded quickly. She got up from her seat.

"I have to go to the bathroom." She said quietly and walked faster than normal to the bathroom. When she got inside, she checked to make sure she was the only on in there and went into the stall at the very end.

She got on her knees and did the same thing she did earlier that day, throwing up the bite of the sandwich and some bile. She was empty. She was clean. She flushed the toilet and washed her hands, pulling a wisp out of her purse and brushing her teeth.

She walked back out to Eli and sat down at the table. She couldn't take this. It had only been a few weeks and she was already breaking. No. She wouldn't give up. Not yet. She had to be strong.

"You okay?" Eli asked, concern etched on his face. Clare forced a smile and nodded.

"Everything's fine, Eli. Really." She said quietly, trying to hold herself together. She couldn't get caught. She wouldn't. She wouldn't shatter this control.

_I told another lie today  
And I got through this day  
No one saw through my games  
I know the right words to say  
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"  
Then someone tells me how good I look  
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy  
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry_

I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be OK  
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful  
The day I chose not to eat  
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever  
I know I should know better  
There are days when I'm OK  
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope  
But there are days when I'm not OK  
And I need your help  
So I'm letting go

I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be OK  
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own  
These secrets are walls that keep us alone  
I don't know when but I know now  
Together we'll make it through somehow  
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know  
I'm not through the night  
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light  
I need you to know  
That we'll be OK  
Together we can make it through another day


	2. Skinny

Something was going on with Clare. Eli could tell. He hadn't really seen her eat a proper meal in weeks and whenever she did eat something, she went straight to the bathroom right after.

He clenched the steering wheel of his hearse until his knuckles were white as he thought about the possibility of Clare having an eating disorder. She couldn't. He knew she didn't care about that stuff.

He looked over at her. She didn't look like herself. Her eyes were duller, her face paler than usual. Her cheeks held a light pink tint, as if she had been crying. She was just staring out the window, not saying a word. She finally broke the silence.

"Eli? Can you drop me off at the gym instead of at home?" She asked quietly, her hands shaking. His brows furrowed in confusion, but he nodded, not wanting to comment when he didn't fully understand what was going on.

They lapsed back into an uncomfortable silence until Eli pulled up in front of the gym. He stopped the car and Clare snapped back to reality, realizing where she was. She grabbed her bag and opened the passenger door.

"Thanks, Eli. I'll see you tomorrow." She said with a forced smile and walked quickly into the gym. Eli sighed and shook his head. She wasn't acting like herself. He looked at the clock. 4:30.

_**Wasting**_

He sat in his room, thinking about Clare's odd behavior over the course of about a month. He could remember her picking at her food before throwing it away at lunch, never really eating it.

And then there was the way she reacted at the Dot when Eli offered her a bite of his sandwich. She looked terrified to eat it, like she was going to burst into tears any minute.

He checked the clock next to his bed. 9:00. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Clare's number. The phone rang twice before she answered.

"Hello?" She said, completely out of breath, like she had just run a marathon. A confused look crossed Eli's face.

"Why do you sound so out of breath?" Eli asked. What was Clare doing?

"Well…I'm exercising." She said, as if he were stupid. His eyes widened slightly. She was still exercising?

"You're still at the gym? Clare, it's been over four hours. Why would you need to exercise that long?" He asked, the very idea of it rattling his brain.

"I just do, okay?" Clare snapped at him. Eli's eyebrows raised in surprise. She usually wasn't like this. She was always nice to everyone. What was going on?

"I'm gonna come pick you up, okay?" He said and hung up before she had a chance to protest. Four hours at the gym? What was up with her?

He got in his hearse and started driving toward the gym, thoughts whirling through his mind. She didn't have an eating disorder. She couldn't. He tried to convince himself he was just imagining things or overreacting.

He pulled up at the front door, where Clare was leaning against the wall, waiting for him. She was wearing that baggy sweatshirt she had on earlier.

She began walking towards the car. The way he saw it, it happened in slow motion. Clare stopped and began rocking back and forth every so slightly. Her eyes went blank and she fell backwards, crashing to the ground.

He jumped out of the hearse, running towards Clare. Her eyes were closed, her hair, splayed out on the ground. He picked her up bridal style and her eyes fluttered open. She looked around.

"Eli, put me down. I'm fine." She mumbled, looking up at him. He sighed and put her down. She wobbled for a moment before regaining her balance and walking toward the car. Eli grabbed her wrist and pulled her back.

"What happened back there?" He demanded. His eyes were dark.

"I-I don't know…" Clare stuttered out. He knew she was lying. What was happening to her? He wanted to make things right again.

"Well has that happened before?" He asked her. He was going to get to the bottom of this. He wanted the old Clare back. His Clare. She looked away.

"No." She mumbled. He didn't believe her, she was always a bad liar, but he didn't press anymore. He let go of her wrist, which he didn't even realize he was still holding. She got into the hearse and waited while he got in on the other side.

He noticed she didn't say a word the entire drive back to her house. She just stared out the window, eyes glazed over, gaze never wavering.

When they stopped in front of her house, she got out shakily and looked back. His emerald eyes were clouded with worry.

"I'm fine. It was nothing. I'll see you tomorrow." She said quietly and shut the door of the hearse. He watched her grip the railing and walk slowly up the stairs. He could tell something was seriously wrong.

_**Wasting**_

She sat on the bed and felt a few tears slip out. Did she really have to faint right in front of him? He would be watching her too carefully now.

She had to be sneakier in order to keep up this little game she was playing with the rest of the world. No one would find out. They wouldn't find out what she was doing. It would shatter everything she had made for herself.

She had to hold herself together. God, why couldn't she be perfect like she always wanted?

_**Wasting**_

He couldn't tell if she had lost weight. She always wore baggy sweaters. How could he have not noticed how drastically her style had changed? She was the one who always looked pulled together.

She was different. It was about a month before when the changes started happening. He didn't say much about it, though. She became more introverted, she only picked at her food, she had mood swings, and her eyes were duller.

Where was the Clare he used to know? The Clare he might actually…like? He didn't think he deserved to be happy. He killed her. Julia. If he hadn't said those things to her, she wouldn't have left. She would still be alive.

But then he met Clare, the only girl who could match his sarcasm. The only girl who made him nervous. But lately, she hadn't been joking around with him. She had just been taking his sarcasm, never reciprocating.

She couldn't have an eating disorder. Not Clare. He could only wish he was just imagining things.

_So here you are in your small little world  
Kept up like a little precious virgin girl  
To hear about your grace and your silly face  
Wrapped up like a knot in a ball of shoelace  
And every time I talk to you  
it sounds like you're caught in a psychological flu_

Don't ever let them see you cheat  
Don't ever let them see you bleed  
Don't ever let them shake your hand  
Don't ever let them believe that scam

Skinny  
And it will make you cry  
Skinny  
And it will make you lie  
Skinny  
And if it makes you soft inside  
Skinny  
At least you will not die

And if you take a good look at them  
All caught up in their graciousless win  
Every sin is their seamless smile  
WIll go on for a countless while  
And just because they think they won  
It just means that the shit has just begun

Don't ever let them see you cheat  
Don't ever let them see you beat  
Don't ever let them shake your hand  
Don't ever let them believe that scam

Skinny  
And it will make you cry  
Skinny  
And it will make you lie  
Skinny  
And if it makes you soft inside  
Skinny  
At least you will not die

Yeah skinny skinny huh


	3. Blurry Angel

She kept running. She couldn't stop. She needed to lose more weight. She wasn't good enough yet. She would never be good enough.

She had been running for hours, never stopping. She had no clue where she was, but she'd find her way back. She always did.

Thoughts were going through her head full speed. Had anyone found out? Was she safe to continue her eating rituals? Would she ever be perfect?

She was getting tired, dizzy. She stopped abruptly and watched the world spin around her wildly, an array of colors. It wasn't long before she tipped backwards and hit the ground with a thud.

**Wasting**

He was driving aimlessly, trying to clear his mind. What was wrong with Clare? These thoughts pounded through his head.

He had been driving for a while and had no clue where he was, but he would find his way back. He always did.

He looked ahead and saw a crumpled body lying on the sidewalk. He slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car, running over to the body. His breath caught in his throat when he saw her face.

An angel face with porcelain skin and full, pink lips. Light brown hair rested on her sunken shoulders. Clare.

He gathered her in his arms. It was easy to lift her. He could feel every bone in her body as he picked her up. Her head rested on his chest. Even when she was curled up against him, her ribs protruded slightly. He almost cried at the sight.

He carried her to his hearse and laid her down in the backseat. He got behind the wheel and began to drive. He kept driving until he reached her house. There were no cars in the driveway, so he wouldn't have to go in through the window.

He picked Clare up in his arms and carried her into the house, walking up the stairs and entering her bedroom. He laid her down on her bed and stroked her hair. He wished she knew how he felt about her.

He saw an open document on her laptop and sat down at her desk, reading the words on a screen.

_It's getting harder every day to keep going. The constant exercise, the food restriction, throwing up. It's too hard. But I have to be strong. I have to be in control. If I let this go, will I ever have any control at all in my life?_

_God, I want so badly to be perfect. Like Darcy was. She was always the golden child. The one who made my parents proud. With her gone, it's like my parents have given up. Like they don't have the will to stay together. That's why I need to do this. I need to be perfect for them, for everybody. Even if I'm falling apart inside, I need to keep going._

_And then there's Eli, who's always made me feel better. And I can't control these feelings I have for him, so I'm doing my best to hide them. I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship because I know he doesn't feel the same way. It would be the worst thing in the world for me to lose him. He's all I have left._

_So I have to keep counting calories. I have to keep exercising. I have to keep throwing up. Because if I don't, everything will shatter around me. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare._

Eli didn't even realize he was crying. She was dying. What could he possibly do to save her? And she felt the same way about him as he did about her. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and let her know that things would be okay.

He got up from the chair and sat down next to her again. He leaned down and kissed her bony cheek. Her eyes shot open. She sat up quickly, but blacked out and fell back down again. When she had regained her composure, she sat up and looked around her room.

What had happened? Why was she here? Why was Eli here? The last thing she could remember was the colors spinning around her and then darkness.

"W-what h-happened?" Clare stuttered out, looking around the room in a daze. Eli's eyes became a shade darker than usual.

"Do you want to explain to me why you were passed out on a sidewalk in the middle of nowhere?" He demanded. Clare flinched at his tone.

"If I was in 'the middle of nowhere', why were you there?" She asked him defiantly, refusing to answer his question.

"I was just driving around. It helps me clear my mind. And don't think you can avoid the question like that, Edwards." He said to her. She bit her lip nervously.

"I was running. You know, exercising. I guess I just got tired or something." She finally said. Eli's jaw clenched.

"You've been exercising a lot lately…" He said. Clare's eyes widened in fear. Did he know?

"So? What point are you trying to make, Eli?" She snapped at him. He stood up from the bed.

"I'm gonna go make you something to eat." He said. Her eyes widened again. He left the room before she could protest and she got up and chased him down the stairs.

"I'm not hungry." She said to him, standing in the kitchen. She hated this room. It was the worst section of the house.

"Clare, I haven't seen you eat in weeks." He said. She bit her lip and racked her brain for an excuse.

"I guess you just aren't that observant." She said quietly. But she had already lost the game. He knew. She could feel her whole world crashing down around her. He thought she was disgusting. She would lose him.

"I think you need to leave." She whispered. Eli shook his head.

"I'm not leaving. Will you please just eat something?" He begged her, his eyes pained. She put her backed into the wall, tears threatening to spill over.

"I can't…" She whispered. "Please, just…just leave." She said to him, looking at him through blurry vision.

"Clare…" He said to her reaching out to touch her hand. She pulled her hand back sharply and the tears started falling out. She slid down the wall and wrapped her arms around herself, as if she was trying to hold herself together. Maybe she was.

____

_Let's starve down to the bone, we're looking better boney  
Who needs figure anyway?  
Stay with me, stay with me,  
So I can dig my nails deep in your cave_

It feels better now without control, oh girl,  
You look better blurry angel  
Why do we need to be sanitary  
when the world's so filthy anyway?

Oh poor me, oh poor you, ohhh  
Oh poor me, oh poor you, ohhh  
Poor unfortunate child  
I can't stop running away

I'm a one life, hopeless dirty animal baby  
And I bow down to my feeble brain  
Aberrated, primitive  
Stay with me, stay with me

No food for weeks I've never felt better  
We look better famished girl  
Hightail to our lush escape,  
And leave our filthy world away

Oh poor me, oh poor you, ohhh  
Oh poor me, oh poor you, ohhh  
Poor unfortunate child  
I can't stop running away

I'm on the verge of self destruction  
Suffering because of my selfish vices  
I'm on the verge of self destruction  
Suffering because I gave up on myself and everyone

Oh poor me, oh poor you, ohhh  
Oh poor me, oh poor you, ohhh  
Poor unfortunate child,  
I can't stop running away  
Poor unfortunate child,  
I can't stop running away...

**A/N: Okay, I cried while writing this. Literally**


	4. Staring In The Mirror

She didn't go to school the next day. Or the day after. She couldn't face Eli. He had uncovered her dirty little secret. He would shatter everything.

She could hear the pounding on her door every day. Eli begging her to let him in so he could talk to her. She tried to ignore it. Finally she couldn't take it anymore. She swung the door open forcefully.

"What the hell do you want?" She snapped at him. His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Will you please just let me in so we can talk about this?" He begged her.

"There's nothing to talk about. And I'd appreciate it if you just left me alone." She said coldly, closing the door, leaving him standing on the porch.

'_She looks worse'_ He thought to himself. Her cheekbones stuck out a little more, her eyes were a darker shade of gray, her skin was a little paler than before.

"Please just let me in!" He called out. The door swung open again.

"Fine. Whatever. If it'll get you to shut up." She said, walking away, leaving the door open for him. He couldn't force her to eat. He couldn't. She plopped down on the couch and brought her knees to her chest. He sat down next to her.

"Talk." She said in a monotone voice, showing no emotion in her gray eyes. Eli drew in a deep breath.

"Look, I know you haven't been eating…" He began, but Clare shook her head.

"You're wrong." She said, a last attempt to try and fix this.

"I'm not wrong, Clare." He said. "You need help. You can't keep doing this." He finished.

"You're overreacting." She whispered to him. His eyes went dark.

"God dammit! I'm not overreacting! You're just skin and bones!" He shouted, making her flinch and scoot away from him. Her eyes were wide with fear. His expression softened. 

"I'm sorry." He whispered. He took her hand in his, trying to calm her down.

"Y-you aren't gonna t-tell anyone, are you? She asked, looking like a scared child.

"Clare…" He began. Her eyes widened. She knew where this was headed. She retracted her hand, jumping up from the couch.

"No…" She whispered, running up the stairs to her bedroom. He followed quickly behind and stood in the doorway. She spun around, her face streaked with tears.

"I can't believe you're doing this to me!" She shouted. She grabbed the headphones he had given her so long ago and threw them at him. He dodged them and they narrowly missed his head.

"I hate you!" She yelled at him. She threw her English notebook at him. It hit him in the chest before falling to the ground.

He strode over to her and grabbed her wrists. She tried to fight him, struggling against his grip, but she was too weak, it was too much for her, and she eventually collapsed in his arms.

He carried her to her bed and laid her down. He laid down next to her and wrapped his arms around her. Clare's eyes opened slowly and she heard the faintest whisper.

"I wish you knew how I felt about you." Eli's voice. His arms wrapped around her. She was in heaven. She smiled to herself and closed her eyes, drifting into unconsciousness.

When she awoke again, his arms were still around her. But she didn't feel the dazed bliss she felt before. She felt self conscious.

She wiggled out of his arms. He was still asleep. She backed away from him. She felt tears fill her eyes. He knew. He knew. He had found her out and he wanted to make her fat again. He wanted to shatter her control. He wanted to shatter her world.

Her best friend had become her enemy. She felt sick at the thought of Eli ruining everything and betraying her. This time, when she threw up, it wasn't forced.

She leaned back and felt hot tears slip down her face. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. Eli appeared in the doorway. His eyes were pained as her dull gray orbs looked up at him.

"Will you go for a walk with me?" He asked her quietly. She nodded and wiped her tears, getting up from the floor shakily. She grabbed his arm to steady herself, then pulled back, but he caught her hand in his. She left it there as they walked outside. She didn't have a jacket on. She was freezing.

"God, it's cold out." She muttered to herself. Eli looked over at her in surprise.

"Clare, it's 75 degrees out." He said, but took off his jacket and gave it to her. She wrapped it around herself and grabbed Eli's hand again. They walked in silence for quite some time.

"I'm really worried." He finally said. She shook her head.

"I don't understand why." She whispered. "I'm not a little kid. I can handle myself."

Well, you've obviously proven that you can't." He snapped out. She pulled her hand back and shoved it in the jacket pocket.

"Why are you doing this to me? I can't get fat. Do you want me to die?" She said to him angrily.

"You're dying now!" He said to her, not believing what he was hearing.

"No I'm not! Just a few more pounds."

_I can't eat anything  
Without shoving my hands down my throat  
And I refuse to meet the world without smearing on makeup  
With my hair blinding my eyes  
Blinding my eyes_

I can't remember  
The last time I've seen my own eyes  
Or the color of my skin  
Do you know what it's like  
to feel ugly all the time?

I stretch myself across the world  
Pushing my limits for your entertainment  
And you had the nerve  
To call out my weaknesses  
And drag me through the dirt

I can't remember  
The last time I've seen my own eyes  
Or the color of my skin  
Do you know what it's like  
to feel ugly all the time?

I'm staring in the mirror  
Looking back at the person I hate  
I'm staring in the mirror  
Looking back at the person I hate  
I'm staring in the mirror  
Looking back at the person I hate  
I'm staring in the mirror  
Looking back at the person I hate

I can't remember  
The last time I've seen my own eyes  
Or the color of my skin  
Do you know what it's like...

I can't remember  
The last time I've seen my own eyes  
Or the color of my skin  
Do you know what it's like  
to feel ugly all the time?

The color of my skin  
Do you know what it's like  
to feel ugly all the...


	5. She Never Came Back

"It will never be just a few more pounds with you, Clare. Will you please just eat something?" She shook her head.

"I can't" She whispered. "I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be." Tears welled in her eyes and, without warning, she took off running. Running away from him, away from the world, away from herself.

She could him running after her, calling her name. She was getting dizzy again and had to stop running. Things swayed, constantly in motion, and she felt strong arms wrap around her right before everything went blank.

_**Wasting**_

He wrapped his around her just as her body went limp. He almost cried. Where was his Clare? Where was the girl who had stolen his heart? He missed her. He missed her too much.

They weren't far, so he carried her back to her house, despite her protests after she had awoken. In her room, she had fallen asleep. Meanwhile, Eli had found another open document…

_Eli knows. He knows and he wants to ruin everything. He wants to shatter this control I've made for myself. When did he become my enemy? Why does he want to make me fat again, after how hard I've worked? I've come so far. I can't have this taken away from me._

_That voice in my head that has always told me how fat I am has consumed my whole life. It has taken over my body and mind. It has changed the way I think. And I can't fight it. I don't want to fight it anymore. Maybe this is how things are supposed to be._

_I know Eli is disappointed, but I can't be who he wants me to be. I don't think anyone understands how food and eating scare the living shit out of me._

Why did things have to be this way? Why did this have to happen to her? The world was crashing in on him. The reality was swallowing him whole. She was dying. He couldn't let her die. He had some phone calls to make.

_**Wasting**_

When she woke up, Eli was sitting on the edge of her bed nervously.

"Oh, you're awake." He said, looking over at her. "C'mon, I have something to show you." He grabbed her hand and walked her down the stairs.

There were a bunch of people in her living room. Her mother and father, Alli, Adam, and a doctor. Her eyes widened in sheer terror. They were all crying, save Eli and the doctor.

"W-what the hell?" She stuttered out. She turned on Eli, eyes blazing, the most emotion he's seen from her in over a month.

"What is wrong with you? How could you do this to me? I trusted you!" She shouted at him. Tears were running down her face as she took off running out the door. She couldn't go back to that house. She wouldn't. She wasn't looking where she was going and ran straight into a familiar face.

"Declan?" She asked, confusion spreading across her face, but it was quickly replaced by a smile.

"Prop Master Clare!" He grinned at her but his smile quickly faded and his brows furrowed in confusion.

"What's wrong? You look upset." He said, looking her over. She looked so different.

"Something happened at home and I can't go back there." She cried, the tears resurfacing. He pulled her into a hug.

"Do you want to stay with me? I'm back at Degrassi for a few months and there's plenty of room at my place." He said to her, wondering what had happened at her house. He didn't want to ask yet because the wounds still seemed fresh.

"Really?" She asked, looking up at him. He nodded and smiled. They walked to his car and he drove her back to his place. She got out of the car and stared up at the mansion. She had been there before, there had been a pool party the year before, but she would actually be staying there. With Declan Coyne. She had liked him for so long, but those feelings had faded and been replaced with a brotherly love.

She followed him up the stairs and down a hallway into a room.

"Okay, so you can stay in this room. There's a bathroom connected through that door and if you need any clothes, just ask Fiona. You know where the kitchen is if you get hungry. There's a computer over there and a TV. Let me know if you need anything." He said with a smile. She looked up at him.

"Thank you so much, Declan. You have no idea how much this means to me." She said to him. He grinned and ruffled her hair.

"Anything for a friend."

_**Wasting**_

His heart was breaking. She never came back. She was driving around, looking for her, but she was nowhere to be found. She had vanished.

He should have gone into this more carefully. But she hated him now. He had become her enemy. He didn't find her. She didn't come back.

In the morning, Clare woke up enveloped in a soft comforter, rays of sunlight coming through her window. She got up and realized she would have to borrow some of Fiona's clothes.

She knocked quietly on Fiona's door. It swung open and Clare was greeted by a smiling face.

"Clare! Declan told me you'd being staying with us. Do you need anything?" She asked warmly. This was the first time Fiona had ever even acknowledged her existence.

"Um, yeah. I didn't exactly have any clothes with me when Declan found me, so…" Fiona's face lit up.

"Say no more. You are going to look gorgeous when I'm done with you. Not that you aren't already." She smiled, grabbing Clare's hand and pulling her into her room.

Fiona picked out an outfit for Clare to wear and did her hair and makeup. Even Clare had to admit she looked better than usual. The outfit was a little big on her, but it hid her weight loss. She stared at herself in the mirror. She looked rich. She looked like a Coyne.

"We can do this every morning, if you want. It's fun dressing you up." Fiona giggled. Clare smiled and thanked Fiona.

Declan drove both of them to school. She walked up the steps of Degrassi nervously, right in between Fiona and Declan. When the warning bell rang, they parted ways and Clare walked into a class she had been dreading since she woke up. English.

Eli was there and he watched in surprise as Clare took her seat behind him. He turned around.

"Where the hell have you been? You had me worried sick." He said to her, studying her new appearance. What was up with those clothes? Clare didn't usually dress like that.

"All you need to know is that I'm staying with a friend." She said coldly, turning her attention back to her notebook.

His mind was whirling. What friend? It couldn't be Alli or Adam. Who could she possibly be staying with?

_Lucy at the gym  
She's there every time I go,  
and I don't go that often, so she must live at the gym  
I stare at her ribs they show through the spandex  
Her little legs are working, she's going somewhere  
She's climbing up the stairs  
And when she reaches the top her dreams will be there_

Lucy at the gym  
Lucy on the scale for the third time  
Thru thick and thin, Lucy's at the gym  
She's staring at the clock and like the 2nd hand she never stops  
She's Lucy at the gym

When she takes a shower, after all the hours  
Does she have a place to go  
Is there someone waiting  
Or is Lucy all alone

I'm at the gym and Lucy's not there  
It's got me kinda worried so I imagine the worst  
She's made it up to heaven  
And when she met her maker, he said "come right in"  
"I'll show you around the gym"  
"Everyone's beautiful and thin"  
"And here there's no sin,  
and your life can begin  
Lucy at the gym"

**A/N: Okay, I'm soo happy because I know exactly where I'm going with this story, but just to get your opinions, what do you think of my bringing Declan into this story? Will Fiona and Clare's bond grow? Will Declan help her recover? Will Eli ever be forgiven? Tune in next time! **


	6. Fire And Ice

It had been a week. She still came to school, but ignored Eli. She always disappeared during lunch with Declan and Holly J or Fiona. Declan had found out by then about her eating disorder, but he hadn't said anything yet. Fiona knew too. Days of dressing Clare had given her a hint.

Declan was trying to think of a way to get through to her without making her angry at him. One day that weekend, he couldn't take it anymore. He pulled her aside and put her in front of her mirror.

"Look at yourself." He whispered in her ear, his hands placed on her shoulders. "Really look at yourself. You can see your ribs. Your cheekbones stick out. Can you see the dark circles under your eyes? You're a skeleton."

It was like an epiphany. It was the first time she really saw herself for who she was. She realized that he was right. She _was_ a skeleton.

She began crying, the tears coming faster and harder, like rainfall. Declan wrapped her in a hug, stroking her hair, telling her things would be okay.

"I'm so scared. I don't want to do this anymore." She cried into his chest. His eyes filled with tears that didn't fall.

"I'm terrified of getting fat. I don't know what to do." She whispered.

"Do you want me to make you a salad?" He asked cautiously, not wanting to set her off.

"I-I don't know…" She stuttered.

Clare, it'll be okay." He whispered, taking her hand and pulling her into the kitchen. She sat down at one of the stools while Declan made her a salad. Her eyes widened as he set the plate down in front of her.

She eyed it warily as Declan coaxed her to take a bite. She picked up the fork shakily and put some of the salad onto it. Her eyes filled with tears as she took a bite and chewed slowly. It was one of the scariest things she had ever done.

With help from Declan, she finished the salad. She couldn't believe what she had done. He smiled at her and gave her a hug. Fiona walked into the kitchen and looked from the empty plate to Clare before breaking out into a smile. Clare was startled. Did everyone know? Apparently.

After the weekend was over, she felt a little better. When she walked into first period, a granola bar was settling in her stomach. Her cheeks had a little more color to them. Her eyes were a shade lighter. She looked better.

She sat behind Eli like usual. He didn't attempt to talk to her anymore. He knew she would just ignore him.

At lunch, she had a small salad at the Dot. It wasn't much, but at least _something_ was in her stomach. As she was eating, Eli walked through the door. His eyes widened when he saw Clare sitting at a table with _Fiona Coyne_, smiling and…eating. She was actually eating something.

He walked over to their table and cleared his throat. She looked up and her smile was replaced by a look of shock.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked her quietly. She nodded and got u, walking outside with him.

"So, you're eating again?" He asked. Clare nodded.

"A little. I'm still working on it. I'm sorry for freaking out on you. I know you were worried and you were only trying to help. But I need to know that I'll be able to do this on my own. I just…I need some time." She whispered to him. He nodded. She stood on her tip-toes and lightly kissed him on the cheek before turning and walking back inside.

Eli stood there, unmoving, as he watched her walk back inside and sit down at her table where Fiona was. He touched his cheek where she had kissed him. He wasn't sure what to think. He just knew that he needed to give her time. He just hoped that things would be okay in the end.

_**Wasting**_

She sat down at the table and Fiona gave her a curious look. Clare bit her lip and looked down.

"I don't want to push him away, Fi. But I just don't know if having him around is the right thing. I need to know that I can do this. That I can be strong enough." She whispered. Fiona smiled slightly and touched Clare's hand from across the table.

"The one thing you need right now is support. You need him to be there for you. To help you. We're all here for you. Me, Declan, Holly J. We'll all stick by you. And so will Eli." She said to her. Clare nodded and for the first time, she felt loved. She felt wanted.

"I'll talk to him soon. I promise." She said, and then switched to a lighter subject, but her mind was still clouded. She didn't touch her salad for the rest of lunch.

At dinner, she only ate a few bites of salad, still stressed about Eli. What would she say to him? She knew Fiona was right. She needed support. She needed him to be there for her.

_Skinny  
And it will make you cry  
Skinny  
And it will make you lie  
Skinny  
And if it makes you soft inside  
Skinny  
At least you will not die_

The next morning, when they got to school, Eli was sitting on one of the benches. _Their_ bench, to be specific. Clare walked over and sat down next to him. He turned to her, his gaze unwavering.

"Eli, I…I'm sorry I've been such a huge bitch to you lately. I'm sorry I've been pushing you away. I'm sorry I'm so messed up. I just…I wish things could go back to normal. I know they can't." She said quietly.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug. She clung to him like a scared child. She didn't want to lose him. She looked up at him and in an instant he leaned down and pressed his lips softly to hers.

It was like fire and ice. It was the best kiss she had ever had in her life. It was soft and sweet but demanding at the same time. She pulled away and smiled at him, snuggling deeper into his chest, not caring who was watching them.

_So here you are in your small little world  
Kept up like a little precious virgin girl  
To hear about your grace and your silly face  
Wrapped up like a knot in a ball of shoelace  
And every time I talk to you  
it sounds like you're caught in a psychological flu_

Don't ever let them see you cheat  
Don't ever let them see you bleed  
Don't ever let them shake your hand  
Don't ever let them believe that scam

Skinny  
And it will make you cry  
Skinny  
And it will make you lie  
Skinny  
And if it makes you soft inside  
Skinny  
At least you will not die

And if you take a good look at them  
All caught up in their graciousless win  
Every sin is their seamless smile  
WIll go on for a countless while  
And just because they think they won  
It just means that the shit has just begun

Don't ever let them see you cheat  
Don't ever let them see you beat  
Don't ever let them shake your hand  
Don't ever let them believe that scam  
Skinny  
And it will make you cry  
Skinny  
And it will make you lie  
Skinny  
And if it makes you soft inside  
Skinny  
At least you will not die

Yeah skinny skinny huh


	7. AN! I'm Sorry!

**A/N: Okay I'm really sorry I haven't been updating any of my stories, but I have a good reason. I'm grounded. For those of you who have read my story Fade Away, I know what you're thinking: again? Yes, I am very sorry I am grounded yet again, but there have been some issues. The only difference between this grounding and the last one is that I have no clue when I will be un-grounded, which totally sucks. So I stole my computer back and typed this up, explaining why I've been MIA. Really sorry. I will let you know when I am off punishment**


	8. Relapse

**A/N: Woot woot! Officially off punishment! Sorry guys, grades were slipping which resulted in a parental meltdown. A few things that are coming soon: For those of you who have read Fade Away, I'm writing a sequel called Saving Grace, so look out for that. And also, I know I don't update my other story as often as I should, but I'm trying, so my apologies. Enjoy this chapter! **

"I'm going for a walk." Clare said, getting up from Eli's lap/ He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back.

"Do you want me to come?" He whispered in her ear.

"Aw you guys are so cute together!" Fiona squealed. Clare rolled her eyes and removed Eli's hands from her waist, getting up again.

"I'll be fine. I just need some time to think. I'll be back soon. Don't worry." She said, pressing her lips to his. When she was a safe distance away from the mansion, she began running. She hadn't eaten all day. She was gaining weight and she didn't like it.

After about an hour of running, the spinning was back. The world was spinning. As she fell backwards, the sky was spinning. Her head hit the sidewalk. Everything was dark.

_**Wasting**_

She woke up to a familiar voice, the cold sidewalk beneath her. But who she thought was Eli was someone else entirely. She rolled over on her side, pressing her hands against the concrete and pushing herself up to a sitting position.

"What the hell?" KC said, staring at his ex-girlfriend in shock.

"I'm fine. I'm fine. Can you just give me a ride to Declan's?" **(A/N: Let's just pretend KC is a junior here)** She asked. He raised an eyebrow.

"Declan Coyne?" He asked incredulously. She nodded. He grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet.

"Shouldn't I drop you off at your house?" He asked her. She shook her head.

"No. I want to go to Declan's." She said firmly. He shrugged his shoulders.

"Why were you passed out on the sidewalk?" KC asked once they got in the car. Clare shrugged.

"Maybe I just decided to take a nap on the side of the road." She replied in an amused tone. KC shook his head.

"Crazy chicks…" He muttered under his breath, starting the car and driving in the direction of Declan's mansion. They remained silent until he pulled the car up next to the house. Clare got out of the car.

"I'll walk you inside." KC said. Clare protested, but he ignored her, walking up the steps to the front door. Clare swung the door open and walked in. He followed her into the living room, where he saw Fiona, Declan, and Eli sitting on the couch watching TV.

Eli turned, looking like he was about to say something, but froze when he saw KC standing dangerously close to Clare. His eyes darkened. He knew KC had dated Clare. He knew he had cheated on her. What he didn't know was why Clare would date a guy like him.

"What's going on?" He asked, looking between the two of them. KC spoke up.

"I, uh, found her passed out on the side of the road." KC stuttered out.

"You what?" He demanded, his eyes darkening as he walked over to them. Clare cowered slightly.

"She was passed out on the sidewalk a few miles away." He repeated, confusion evident in his voice. Declan stepped in.

"Well thank you for bringing her back, KC. We appreciate it." Declan said with a smile. Declan was always good at keeping his composure.

"Uh, no problem. I'll see you at school, Clare." KC said, disappearing out the door. Eli turned to Clare.

"Really, Clare? We're back to this?" He said to her. Declan stepped between them.

"C'mon, let's just get you some food." Declan said, leading Clare into the kitchen. He sat her down at the stool, Eli at her side.

"Can I talk to Clare alone for a moment?" Eli said quietly. Declan nodded and left the two alone.

"I don't understand why you're doing all this." He said, brushing a stray hair away from her face. Her bottom lip quivered slightly.

"I'm scared. I'm scared I won't have control over my life. I'm scared of gaining weight. I'm scared of getting better. I'm scared I'm going to…lose you. I don't know why I do these things, I just have to." She said to him.

"You will never lose me. I promise." He said, taking her hand in his.

"I can't do this anymore…" She whispered.

"You know, they have centers for eating disorders, places you can stay…" He began. Clare's eyes widened. She couldn't leave here. She couldn't even begin to picture being all alone in a place like that. She jumped up from the stool.

"No! Eli, you can send me away." She cried out, eyes ablaze.

"Maybe-maybe it's for the best." He whispered, looking away from the skeleton girl he was falling in love with.

"No. Please, no." She began crying, sobbing hysterically. She couldn't catch her breath as everything went black around her, Eli's beautiful emerald eyes the last thing she saw.

_**Wasting**_

He watched in terror as her eyes went blank and she crashed to the floor. Her eyes were wide open, but she wasn't there. She was gone, somewhere far away.

She gasped for air as her body convulsed, beads of sweat beginning to form at her hairline. Her body shook violently.

"Declan!" Eli shouted, cradling Clare's shaking body. Declan came running in. His eyes went wide.

"What the hell happened?" He exclaimed, rushing over to them.

"God dammit, Declan! Call 911!" Eli shouted. Her hands grasped at the air. Eli watched in sheer terror, unsure of what he could possibly do, keeping one eye on her and one eye on Declan shouting into the phone.

"The ambulance is on its way." Declan said, snapping his phone shut. Eli cradled her trembling body. Eli was in panic mode. What was he supposed to do until the ambulance got there?

Her body finally collapsed in a heap in his arms. Declan paced around the kitchen, running his hands through his hair, punching random objects as he passed them.

Fiona suddenly came bounding in, having not heard the commotion because she had been blow drying her hair. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Eli on the floor, holding an unconscious Clare in his arms.

"What the hell happened?" She finally managed to get out, repeating the same words her brother had said.

"I…I think she had a seizure…" Eli mumbled softly, still in shock as he listened to the sirens of the ambulance.

_Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty  
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you  
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty  
But that's not true, cause I know you..._

Hold on, baby, you're losing it  
The water's high, you're jumping into it  
And letting go... and no one knows  
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone  
That you might not be the golden one  
And you're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted  
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change  
Hoping it will end up in his pocket  
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain  
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay  
Not his price to pay...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it  
The water's high, you're jumping into it  
And letting go... and no one knows  
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone  
That you might not be the golden one  
And you're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone  


_Hold on, baby, you're losing it  
The water's high, you're jumping into it  
And letting go... and no one knows  
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone  
That you might not be the golden one  
And you're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone_

You're tied together with a smile  
But you're coming undone... oh  
Goodbye, baby  
With a smile, baby, baby

**A/N: Okay so honestly, I don't actually know what a seizure is like, but I did my best. Google proved to be extremely unhelpful on this subject. So if I'm off about it, please don't kill me.**


	9. Anorexic Beauty

**A/N: I've been gone for so long, too deep in my mess of a life to update and I'm sooo sorry I haven't updated in so long. It will really never happen again. I swear. Hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

Eli hated hospitals. He really hated hospitals. But he couldn't manage to focus as he sat in the cold chair. He stared straight ahead at the TV in the waiting room, but his mind was elsewhere. He was thinking of Clare, of how she was doing. He was also thinking about how those damn nurses were pissing him off. They didn't understand that he _needed_ to see her.

Regardless, he was forced to wait with Declan and Fiona. They were both passed out, though Eli couldn't sleep, even if he tried. He drummed his fingers against the arm of the chair impatiently, trying to ease the anxiety that was creeping in. What the hell was going on? Why couldn't he see her? He was going crazy, not knowing anything.

Hospitals only reminded him of Julia. He couldn't lose Clare, too. He just didn't think he would be able to take it. A nurse entered the waiting room and Eli stood up quickly when she called out his name. He followed her down the long hallway, not bothering to wake Declan or Fiona. The nurse turned sharply and he entered Clare's room, stumbling backwards in the doorway when he saw her.

He stared for a long moment at his perfect angel, so tiny in the large hospital bed. Her hair was splayed out around her, her once bright blue eyes closed in a peaceful sleep, and IVs sticking out of her arms.

No, he didn't want to see this. He didn't want to see every single bone protruding from her body, skin stretched tightly over them. He didn't want to hear the nurse telling him that she had a severe seizure and would have to stay for several more days. He certainly didn't want to hear that they were going to keep her in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for eating disorder treatment.

As the nurse talked to him, he sat down in the chair next to the bed and covered his ears with the palms of his hands childishly. He couldn't listen to this. He knew she wasn't crazy. He wanted to believe that she didn't belong in a psychiatric ward. Not his Clare. Not her. This couldn't be happening.

The nurse walked out, realizing that he refused to listen to whatever was coming out of her mouth. He looked over at Clare and grabbed her hand, holding it in his for what seemed like forever. Finally, her eyes fluttered open.

"I- what?" She stuttered out, looking around the room. She turned to look at Eli. "Eli, what the hell am I doing here?" Her eyes burned with anger and confusion.

"Clare, you had a…a seizure." He whispered, tears forming in his eyes as he remember the horrifying event. He just couldn't seem to get it out of his head.

"A seizure? But…no. I-I…" She was unable to finish her sentence and sighed in defeat before trying again.

"When can I go home?" She asked. Eli's eyes shifted to the ground. He didn't want to be the one to tell her that they were keeping her at the hospital for treatment. Hell, he didn't even want her to stay here. He knew that she was sick and she needed help, but she wasn't psych ward crazy. Was she?

"Um, Clare, that's the thing. You aren't coming home for a while. They're…they're keeping you here for eating disorder treatment." He whispered, searching for her reaction. Her expression changed from confusion, to sadness, to anger in only a moment.

"Excuse me? No, they can't keep me here. It's my life. They can't make me stay here!" Her voice rose with every word. Eli bit his bottom lip and looked down quickly.

"Yes they can. If they think you're a threat to yourself then they can keep you here. I'm so sorry." He finished. His glassy green eyes bore into hers. Her eyes were one of the things he missed. He missed those bright blue eyes that went wide when they were surprised or scared. The blue eyes that made him smile and kept him up night after night.

"You're…you're actually going to leave me here?" Her eyes filled with tears as she looked up at the ceiling. She couldn't help thinking the idea was completely ridiculous. Eli wouldn't let this happen.

"I don't have a choice, Clare. They're keeping you here. You only weigh 89 pounds. You need help." He said. Tears began to pour out of her eyes. He was actually leaving her in the psych ward of the hospital.

"Get out. I want to talk to Declan." She demanded, glaring at him in fury. He looked down at the ground before kissing her on the cheek and walking out of the room. A few minutes had passed when Declan walked in, hair a mess, eyes bloodshot.

"Clare. You scared the shit out of me. I've been worried sick." He said, sitting down next to her and grasping her hand. His voice shook as he spoke.

"You guys aren't really leaving me here, are you?" She whimpered. Confusion flashed across Declan's face.

"What are you talking about?" He asked. Clare's eyes widened.

"Eli…Eli didn't tell you, did he?" She asked. He shook his head, confusion still etched on his face. Clare took a deep breath.

"Eli told me that…that they were keeping me here in the hospital for eating disorder treatment." She whispered. Declan's eyes widened in surprise and then anger as he got up and stormed out of the room. That was Declan. Clare could always count on him to be the protective big brother.

She could hear yelling from down the hall. Eli's voice. Declan's voice. Shouting at each other, both furious. She wasn't really worth all this fighting. Not really. At least she didn't think she was.

"We can't just leave her here! She means as much to me as my own sister does! That would be like me leaving Fiona here!" She could hear Declan shouting.

"It's not like we can do anything about it! And if you really cared about her you would see that she's sick and she needs help!" Eli yelled back. She couldn't catch the rest of the conversation because the yelling had stopped. Declan walked in a few minutes later, tear stains on his cheeks.

"It'll…it'll only be for a few weeks. We'll come visit you. I promise. And then when you get out, you can come back home. You'll always be my little sis, Propmaster Clare." He whispered.

"I'm not really…that sick, am I?" She whimpered, looking up at Declan through her thick lashes. She didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to believe that she had a problem. All she wanted was perfection. What was so wrong about that? Declan let out a sigh.

"Clare, you do need help. You have no idea how much you scared me. I want you to get better. You have to stay." He said.

"I can't stay here. I can't. I promise I'll stop, just please don't leave me here." She whispered. It almost broke Declan's heart.

"I wish I could do something, but I can't. I'm sorry. I'll come back to visit tomorrow. I know you're mad at Eli, but do you want him to come visit you with me?" She only nodded meekly and glanced around the room, wishing she was somewhere else.

Declan left shortly after talking to the doctors, and after a quick visit with Fiona, Clare was alone. She didn't know she could feel this lonely.

_Sitting alone on a cold bar stool,__  
__your cold, hard eyes make me feel a fool.__  
__Pastel-white features,__  
__high cheek-bones,__  
__scarlet-blooded lips and deathly tones.___

_The girl of my nightmares,__  
__sultry and corpse-like.__  
__The girl__  
__of my__  
__nightmares.___

_Brittle fingers,__  
__and thin cigarettes,__  
__so hard to tell apart,__  
__she hasn't spoken yet.__  
__You put your hand on mine,__  
__death white on brown,__  
__those whirlpool eyes;__  
__well, I begin to drown.___

_The girl of my nightmares,__  
__erotic and skull-faced.__  
__The girl__  
__of my__  
__nightmares.___

_Anorexic beauty,__  
__feather-weight perfection,__  
__anorexic beauty,__  
__underweight__  
__goddess.___

_Sitting alone on__  
__a cold bar stool, your__  
__so hard to tell apart,__  
__she hasn't spoken yet.__  
__Pastel-white features,__  
__high cheek-bones,__  
__scarlet-blooded lips and deathly tones.___

_The girl of my nightmares,__  
__sultry and corpse-like.__  
__The girl__  
__of my__  
__nightmares.___

_Anorexic beauty,__  
__feather-weight perfection,__  
__anorexic beauty,__  
__underweight__  
__goddess.__  
_


	10. Skin And Bones

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been on vacation. I know, I know. No excuse. But the new chapter is up! Enjoy!**

"Yeah, Decs. Staying at the hospital helped. A lot, actually." Clare lied through her teeth. Declan smiled, believing every word. In reality, however, the hospital didn't help her at all. She now weighed 108.00 pounds, feeling disgusting as ever, and all she could think about was losing the weight. She hated feeling so fat.

"Good. I'm glad to have you back, Propmaster Clare." He said, using that old, familiar nickname. Clare smiled back, trying to seem normal.

"So, uh, you want to go with me and Fiona to the Dot to get a burger?" He said tentatively, as if saying the wrong thing would set her off. She almost rolled her eyes at his cautious tone.

"Sure. That sounds great." She said enthusiastically. _Act normal. Act natural._ Her brain whispered to her. Declan smiled again. He assumed that the treatment really had helped her.

At the Dot, Declan and Fiona watched Clare scarf down a burger, fries, and a milkshake in under 10 minutes with wide eyes. That had never seen Clare eat like that. Well, at least not since she had been living with them. Clare's parents had agreed after much persuasion to let Clare remain living with Declan, in hopes that the strong support system would aid her recovery.

As soon as they got home, Clare rushed to her room and into the private bathroom, slamming and locking the door on her way in. She grabbed a hair tie from the drawer and tied up her hair, turning the sink on in the process.

She got on her knees in front of the toilet and frantically shoved two fingers down her throat. She gagged once, but nothing came out. Frustrated, she stuck them further down, tears forming in her eyes as the food came out.

She shoved her fingers down her throat again, until the rest of the food and some bile finally all came out. She leaned back, tears running down her face. She brought her knees up to her chest, falling to pieces right there on the bathroom floor.

Finally, she managed to pull herself together, standing in front of the mirror, taking in her reflection. She turned every which way, examining her flaws with a look of disgust. The hospital had filled her up with disgusting, fattening foods, blowing her up like a party balloon.

She dried her eyes, washed her hands until they had been scrubbed raw, and brushed her teeth twice before leaving her bathroom and laying down on her bed.

_Shh... Don't cry. Isn't this what you wanted? To be skinny? You can't starve yourself down to the bone anymore. Everyone knows now. You have to throw it all up if you want to be perfect. Shh... Don't cry._

There was that voice again. That voice telling her what to do, yet she couldn't help but obey. She was a slave once again to her eating disorder, even right after a stay in the hospital. Before she knew it, she had fallen asleep, only to be woken up by someone whispering in her ear.

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty." Eli whispered, and Clare's eyes fluttered open. She was greeted by his smiling face, his piercing green eyes that made her fall in love with him so long ago.

"Hey." She said in a sleepy voice, her eyes adjusting to the light. She was still tired from her nap, with eyes still red from crying. This was surely not how she wanted Eli to see her. Then again, he had seen her in the hospital, with IV's in her arms and tubes shoved up her nose. Anything was more attractive than _that_.

"Did you have a nice nap?" He asked, quite innocently, but it made Clare remember the terrible nightmares she had while she was sleeping. She shook them off before answering Eli.

"Yeah, I actually did." She lied, smiling at him. He pulled her close and kissed her, but she couldn't enjoy it, so fearful he would taste the puke on her breath, even after she had brushed her teeth twice. She pulled away quickly, shaking her head.

"No, Eli. I have morning breath." She whispered, laughing slightly when he smiled again. She loved that smile and she hadn't seen it in a while, not since everything had happened with her. She never meant to hurt anyone, especially Eli, by starving herself. She only wanted to be perfect. Now that she was out of the wacky shack, all she could think about was _'Who could possibly want to recover? I'm not sick. I'm not. I'm strong.'_

And she hid her descent into bulimia so well. Nobody suspected a thing. Everyone was just happy that she was eating something, anything, even if it did seem weird that she was stuffing her face. Maybe it was because she missed food so much, forgot how it was, and wanted to taste life again. That's what they all thought. They never saw her running off to the bathroom. They only saw her run off to her bedroom, and she basked in the privacy of having her own bathroom where no one could hear her dirty deeds.

If anybody knew, they would bodyslam her back into that awful treatment center, where she would be watched like a hawk, and have to ask permission to go to the bathroom, people standing by to make sure she didn't throw up. And she would have to eat the food, no matter how disgusting it was.

_**Wasting**_

"Huh? Oh, I'm not really hungry right now." Clare said to Eli. She had just gotten done binging and purging in secrecy. She couldn't eat right now. Not with her throat so raw, her stomach so twisted. Eli raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Are you sure?" He asked skeptically, afraid that she was slipping back into her old habits. The bad ones.

"I'm fine, Eli. Really, I am. I've been eating just fine. Don't worry." She lied and he smiled at her, his green eyes glowing with relief and happiness. It killed her.

"Okay, just making sure. But if you do get hungry, just give me a call and I'll bring you back something." He said. She was so grateful she had a boyfriend like him, who stuck by her through everything, it really did kill her to lie to him as much as she did.

On the upside, she was losing weight, and hiding it well, down to 100.50 pounds. Fiona had to weigh her every week, to make sure she wasn't losing weight, but Clare had little tricks, tampering with the scale, eating a bunch of food before stepping on the scale and then throwing it up when she got off. These were the things that got her through.

She hated the fact that Fiona, Declan, and Eli were so happy, so hopeful, and were so overjoyed that she was getting better, that she was eating, that she was keeping her weight up. And she lied to all of them. She lied to all the people who loved and cared about her. They were completely clueless.

Eli was gone, at the Dot with Adam, studying for their history exam. Declan had taken Fiona shopping. The house was quiet. She was alone. She hadn't written in her journal in so long. It hurt to much to talk about the disgusting things she was doing. But the guilt was eating her alive and she needed to let it out.

_I can't stand this. The stuffing/puking pattern that has seemed to have taken over my life. I feel disgusting when I do it, but I feel even more disgusting when I don't. I can't stop eating. Eli would catch on. Declan would catch on. Fiona would catch on. They would know immediately if I started hiding my food again. They know all the signs to look for._

_I wish there was some way to eat without shoving my fingers down my throat, but I need to see my bones. I need to feel the relief of everything coming up, even if I feel so bad about it afterward. I'm always so worried about Eli tasting the puke on my breath. I have gum, mints, and an endless supply of toothpaste to keep that from happening._

_I just know he would leave me if he found out. But he would leave me if I got fat. No one wants to be with a fat girl. I need to stay strong. I need to keep throwing up and not let anyone find out, or else everything would be ruined. I'd lose everything and everyone..._

She sighed, shutting her computer down and putting it on her desk. This was killing her. She felt like she was in hell, all these things bouncing around in her head, all these voices screaming at her, telling her not to eat, and then screaming at her to throw it all up when she disobeyed. She couldn't take it. She wanted to be set free from all this. **(A/N: I was going to end here, but I thought you guys deserved a longer chapter)**

"Clare! I'm home! I brought you some food!" She heard Declan call from downstairs. She got up from her bed and opened her door, walking down the staircase to meet him. He had a bright smile on his face, a takeout box in his hand, and Fiona standing behind him, arms weighed down with shopping bags.

"Where's Eli?" He asked.

"Oh, he, uh, went to the Dot with Adam to study." She said, looking at the takeout box warily. If it was pizza, she couldn't eat it. That hurt like a bitch to puke back up. It burned so bad last time she did that.

"Um, so what did you bring me?" She asked, her eyes never leaving the takeout box. Please don't be pizza. Please don't be pizza.

"We stopped at this amazing pizza place and just had to bring you back a couple slices. It's so good." Fiona cut in. Great. Pizza. She took the box from Declan's hand.

"Thanks, guys. Do you mind if I eat in my room? I'm buried with homework." She said, praying that they wouldn't catch on to what she was doing.

"Oh, sure. If you need any help with it, we'll be in the living room." Declan said, him and Fiona turning back and heading toward the living room. Clare smiled and sighed in relief. She carried the box back to her room and threw it in her trashcan without even looking at it. If she did, she would never be able to resist eating it. And then she would never be able to resist getting rid of it.

She ignored the smell of the pizza while she did her homework. She hadn't realized how much she had let it pile up. She was so busy planning her binges and purges to even think about school. It didn't matter that it occupied 8 hours of her day. Her mind was focused on other things at all times.

She didn't even realize how far things had gone. She was so caught up in stuffing her face, not even tasting the food she was eating, and then the horror of realizing she had eaten_ everything_, followed by the frantic dash to the bathroom. She hated every minute of it. But she could never stop.

_I lock the door  
Turn all the water on  
And bury that sound  
So no one hears anything anymore  
Mirror lie to me, tell me you can see  
Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now  
I know you can feel all the things you steal  
And you're taking, you're taking it_

Feeling so easy  
Make me skin and bones  
I'm always on my knees for you  
You break like it's even  
When you're leaving it  
Thin, where the hell have you been?

Well sometimes it burns  
Mabye I'll wash it out  
It all looks so big  
Never mind, I don't feel anything

It only hurt a bit  
I still feel like shit  
And I think you won't be able to recognize me now  
It's easier to quit  
It's harder to admit and  
You're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me!

Feeling so easy  
Make me skin and bones  
I'm always on my knees for you  
You break like it's even  
When you're leaving it  
Thin, where have you been?

'Cause you always win  
And you... yeah!

Laughin' like it works  
Bleeding like it don't hurt  
Knock you off your feet  
Even if you need me  
Tear you apart and I hate how I need you

Feeling too easy, make me skin and bones  
I'm always on my knees for you  
Break like it's even  
When you're leaving

It's too fucking easy, make me skin and bones  
I'm always on my knees for you  
Break like it's even  
When you're leaving it  
Thin, where have you been?

'cause you always win, and you always win, you always win  
I will burn all this [x9] 

**A/N: Sorry it took so long. I need input here. I was thinking of _maybe_ turning this into a Declan/Clare story, but I'm not sure yet, so I need your advice on these things. I always hold true to Eclare, but I don't know. The idea just kinda came to my mind and I want to know what you think. Review and let me know! (: **


End file.
